Outside Looking In
Christmas Lunch With Members of Jean’s Bothy, Helensburgh
It was with real pleasure that I accepted an invitation to Christmas Lunch with the lovely gang at Jean’s Bothy in Helensburgh. It never would have occurred to me that I’d be included in something like that and as such it was a lovely feeling to be asked along. I didn’t even feel my usual sense of panic at having accepted an invitation and then wishing I could get out of it. I think ‘socially awkward’ is the term I’ve heard bandied about. I like the idea of being sociable but the reality is I find it painfully difficult, always worrying that I won’t have anything to say or I won’t get the jokes or that nobody will want to speak to me. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I go out and actually enjoy myself, or how many times our friend in the next village tells me that he enjoys my company, I still get a kind of stage fright, an exhaustion brought on by fear of not being sufficiently interesting or amusing, of not fitting in. This most often results in seismic irritabilty with nowhere to go which only adds to the angst. This time however, I felt almost uncannily calm about the whole affair and was genuinely looking forward to it. It was only when I arrived, late as usual, that I thought about what I was doing.
Believe it or not, I got lost. I blame the aphantasia for this. I knew the event was to be held at the Helensburgh Community Hub and I had seen the building many times before so I set out in the car fully expecting to just happen upon it. Well, no. And because I didn’t exactly know where I’d been going when I’d last seen it I had no reference point. I couldn’t picture the building nor the street it was on so I had to drive up and down and hope. Eventually it occurred to me that I could park up and check the actual address on my phone. I’d already driven past it twice apparently!
So of course, I was late, and when I marched in, it was to a loud room full of people, most of whom I didn’t know, all already seated in a wedding-style u-shape so that many had their backs to me, all happy and excited and anticipating their lunch. Thankfully, Katrina saw me and pointed to a gap in the seating before I reverted to 14 year old me, and turned and fled!
My place at the table was marked with a name card, and a greeting card, the envelope addressed to me, was propped up against a carton of orange juice, near to a cracker and just over from two festive chocolate shapes. I could see some kent faces from the Photography & Wellbeing Group just along the way, and the lovely L who had supplied me with a nourishing bowl of soup on the day we framed the exhibition photographs was just to my right, but on my left and opposite were people I didn’t know.
The thing about all this is, there are now more people that I know. I had a lovely time chatting to W about the fact that her Christmas Tree earrings were still just as effective even though they no longer flashed, compared notes with M about her experiences of finding family, laughed with R about the immense portion size of our meal and wondering if we’d all fall asleep from the carb overload later.
And then, just at the last, as the day outdoors dimmed, I saw the round white bobbing spheres outside, looking in; aliens coming to see what on earth all the laughter was in aid of. Something about the plain white walls, the fairy lights, the paper ceiling decorations taking on planetary roles, the light and the lone carton of fruit juice among the garland just made me smile and I thought yes, these unexpected moments of connection are to be treasured.